I was going to see my boy. My man’s name is Sherman. We call him Tic Toc because that’s how he is with the ladies..it’s only a matter of time, see? Only a matter of time before he gets in they sweet panties.
My man was up in the joint sipping pumpkin lattes. Girls like that. Shows your sensitive side. Neither me or Sherman liked pumpkin lattes, but you do what you gotta do, know what I’m sayin’?
I came in through the side door. “Whassup?”
“My man. Tic Toc. What are you up to?”
“Drinking your pumpkin latte.” I smile.
Tic Toc lifts his cup.
I sit on the couch across from him. Start scopin’ out the hunnies. Couple of potentials over by the front door. I turn around. Sly hunny at the counter, ordering her drink. Short skirt. Some bumpage on the legs but that can be fixed with any number of skin creams. Sometimes you have to fix a bitch up before you fuck her.
“So listen.” That was Sherman talking. Didn’t he see I was checking out the hunnies?
“Shut up,” I say. Then I whisper, “Shut your fucking mouth.”
That bitch at the bar was looking around. Here she comes..here she comes..no.
I turn around to Sherman. “You know what I want to do to that bitch?”
“Check out the fly hunny at the bar.” I point my finger.
Sherman’s eyes brighten.
“You like her?”
“Well here’s what I’m gonna do to her. First I’m gonna eat that bitch out. Get her real horny.”
“Where are you gonna do this?”
“In the bathroom. Shut up. So I’m gonna get her in the stall back there. Lock the door. Get that bitch all up on the toilet with her legs spread and eat that bitch out—”
“Why do you like eatin’ bitches out so much?”
“I like..to eat a bitch out..because it gets the bitch horny. That way they don’t mind when you stick your dick in them. Especially when you stick it in their ass.”
“Why you want to stick it in they ass?”
“I don’t. I do it for my health. Have you ever ass fucked a girl, Sherman?”
Sherman is silent. Then he says, “No.”
“Well. First of all use a condom. And never ass fuck a bitch when she has diarrhea.”
“How does you know if she has diarrhea?”
“Tic Toc. Sherman. Do you want to hear my story? You only ass fuck a bitch when she doesn’t have diarrhea and you know she doesn’t have diarrhea because you clock what the bitch eats.”
“How do you clock what the bitch eats?”
“What do you think I be doin’ in the cafeteria? Why do you think we be sittin’ close to where the fly hunnies sit? Do you see the notebook I be carryin’ around with me? What do you think is in that? My chemistry homework? No. That’s records, my man. Of everything a bitch eats. Stay away from bitches who eat citrus, or bitches who smoke, as that can cause diarrhea. You want a bitch who eats yogurt with every meal. Stay away from vegans—their farts stink. Have you ever smelled a vegan’s farts?”
“Well try it sometime.”
I look over at that bad-skin bitch who was at the counter. She’s going out the side door.
“I didn’t want her anyway.”
“What was you gonna do to her?”
“After I ate that bitch’s pussy out?” I say this real loud, by accident, and some hunnies behind Sherman look over. “What are you lookin’ at?”
They turn back around.
“Mind your own fucking business,” I say. “So after I ate that bitch’s pussy out,” I say extra loud, “I was gonna thump her in the mouth with my fat cock. Slap that bitch till she has marks on her face. Get that bitch’s face real red then cum in her mouth. Then make her spit my cum in the toilet between her legs and then THROW that bitch out of the bathroom. Nasty bitch. Shouldn’t be drinkin’ pumpkin lattes in the first place.”
The girls behind Sherman are starting to look our way again.
“Any bitch who drinks pumpkin spice lattes is asking to get fucked in the mouth. Have you ever met a bitch who drank pumpkin spice lattes who didn’t deserve to get fucked in the mouth?”
I wait for Sherman’s answer.
“Sherman. Take a look behind you and tell me whether you think these freshman bitches up in this piece deserve to get fucked in the mouth.”
Sherman turns around.
One of the girls behind him looks directly at me. The rest keep their heads down.
“What are you lookin’ at?” I stand up.
She keeps looking at me, this sweet-looking face with lipstick. She looks like a bitch that probably keeps a ferret as a pet. English major, something in the humanities. Probably a virgin.
“Do you let your ferret lick your ass?” I say.
“Do you let that pet ferret of yours lick your asshole?”
“I don’t have a pet ferret.”
“‘Cause you look like a bitch with a ferret.”
She turns away from me. I can only see her boobies from the side now. She and her friends are talking low. One of her friends is packing up her books.
“No,” the girl says. “We’re staying.”
She puts a hand on her friend’s book, flattening it on the table. Then she looks at me. She gives me a look of such disgust my dick starts to get hard.
I sit down. Sherman and I shake our heads.
“Bitches,” he says.
We lean in together, heads above the table between us.
Sherman says, “I’m gettin’ into some trouble up at Bruno’s later on, you wanna come.”
I smile. “What kind of trouble you getting into?”
“Well,” Sherman says, “Macro knows this bitch from his polisci class that wants to fuck him, so I’m going up there to be his wingman.”
“If she already wants to fuck him, why does he need a wingman?”
“She doesn’t know she wants to fuck him.”
“He’s taking me..so it won’t be awkward. So he’s not like alone going to a bar.”
“You could come along and be my wingman.”
“Is this bitch hot?”
“I’ve never seen her.”
“Well is they hot bitches at Bruno’s?”
At this point that little defiant bitch at the next table looks over at me and doesn’t break eye contact. Do you believe that shit? I wish I had my gun. Pop that bitch dead and go on with my conversation.
She says, “Would you mind keeping it down?”
I breathe out, trying to calm myself. I say, “What’s your name?”
“I ain’t tellin’ you my name.”
“Well..whatever your name is..why don’t you mind your own FUCKING BUSINESS?”
At this point she gets up and goes to the manager. I see her pointing over at me and Sherman’s table and her sweet forehead looking all concerned.
“That bitch just ratted us out,” Sherman says.
Then the manager comes over. I give him a real sweet look, like the look of an angel.
“I’m gonna have to ask you to keep it down.”
“Uh, officer,” I say, “I swear I didn’t see the sign.”
“Still, this is a study bar, so I need you to respect the environment.”
“Oh, I didn’t realize this was a study bar.”
He just stands there.
“Are people required to study, I mean is that like an imperative?”
“We like to keep a study atmosphere.”
“So you don’t mind if I sit here and not study, minding my own business with my man here, drinking pumpkin spiced lattes?”
“Actually, you’re not drinking anything, and since you haven’t ordered I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”
“I’ll get something. Oh, I’ll get something. I’ll get something, I was just talking with my man here.”
“Well you’re talking too loud.”
“Duly noted, my brotha. We will not speak loud in The Establishment. Now let’s go up there and take care of that pumpkin latte problem.”
He looks at me like he doesn’t like my particular flavor of the language, but he goes, and I follow. I get my pumpkin spiced latte and I get henceforth back to my seat.
The girl has her head in her books. She’s pretending to study. She’s thinking about me. I’m the kind of guy a girl has trouble getting out of her head. Because she knows I’m bad. And she knows I’ll be bad for her. But she can feel me, in her panties, from the moment she meets me. I make her wet, I make her want to fuck. When a girl meets me she’ll be rushing for fresh panties five times a day.
“Ok,” I say.
“I’ll go with you tonight. To Bruno’s.”
“Don’t be draggin’ me to no sausage bar.”
“There’s girls, don’t worry.”
“Do you guarantee it?”
Sherman sips his latte.
“I want a guarantee. In blood, preferably. I want you to guarantee that there will be pussy coming out the walls of this bar you’re taking me to. Don’t make me walk your ass home. I want to be fishing out tampons of bleeding bitches and sucking on those motherfuckers with my teeth.”
Sherman looks at me.
“I’m serious. I want some studious freshman pussy with red lipstick begging to give it up.” I’m looking at the freshman girl. “There better be bitches so tight I can’t even get my little finger up in that motherfucker.”
The freshman girl turns around. She’s burning into me with these hateful eyes. “You’re revolting,” she says.
And that’s when I fell in love.
(from RAPE! by Matthew TEMPLE)