Papermate

in silence

 

 

You need not fear me anymore

 

Or rather,

you need not fear her anymore:.

for she has gone

she won’t

trouble you from now on:

I have put her back to where she was

before you came along.

 

 

I thought there would be

room

for her

in my life

 

I realize now that there still isn’t

if I am to continue

the life I lead now

 

Better keep her under lock

and

key…

 

Sounds

as though I am

talking about some

hideous monster

doesn’t it:

something

horribly dangerous that

no-one

seems able to cope with

and not

that I am talking about

something

natural; something

as innocent

as curious…

 

Something legitimate

 

Anyhow

back home she goes

where we can both live

safe from harm.

 

If only

it would not cost me

so much

effort

to keep her

in her

place…

 

Never have I been so

tired

in all my life –

drained

in the middle

of the day so that my only option

was to lay down

my head

and

close my eyes to

such insuperable

inexplicable

fatigue

 

Until my mind walked the

bridge between my

exhaustion

and the

effort I expended daily to

suppress

the Woman

in me.

 

And there I was

fearing another pregnancy!

 

In a sense, I am;

with child, though she will

never be born;

never grow to be strong

and

independent

or the source of pleasure to my eye…

 

My secret she will forever remain –

my Jew in the attic:

I look in from time

to time –

she may stay

provided she keeps a

low

profile…

 

And when no-one’s about, I stay

a little longer –

move a little closer;

strike up a conversation

which is always amazing

 

Why, I ask myself

why should anyone fear

something so wonderful;

why should she

have to

hide?

 

And in moments of intense

defiance

I refuse to hide her:

 

I let her come

out

 

And she may live:

 

On paper.

 

 

(from The Red Room. Illustration: In Silence, by Naomi Brosnan)

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